You've got me feeling,
Empty,
Like you took the very stones you used,
to push my heart down to my stomach
and turned them into a tidal wave,
crashing against my very core and
crippling what little foundation I have left of support.

You've got me feeling,
Angry,
Like a raging flame burning up what's left of myself
while you stand there at a distance
using me to cook up some short-lived leisure.
Angry,
at myself for falling for the same guy
YOU are the same guy;
just like the rest of them.
Promising only with empty words
and changing
only through neglecting
or pretending that you're really caring

You've got me feeling
Disappointed,
let down by the dissolving hope that you'd be the one
to show me what it's like to live a happy fantasy
to show me what it's like to love without fear
To show me that
you really were Different.

You've got me feeling...
Yes
Though I do feel for you
and feel because of you,
I don't feel as though you deserve to be called the cause of my heartache,
the catalyst of my catharsis, 
a title not yours to take
As earthquake go to affect those in the sky, you're nothing but an aftershock
So though I see how you effect me, I know this fight, won't bring me down from my height.

These things that I'm feeling,
I know that they're fleeting,
fleeing faster than you can try
to take my flight away.

Okay I'll admit it. Mornings and nights are the hardest. I know listening to Let Go by m-flo isn't gonna help me feel any better, but I just couldn't help it.

I guess, this is just bringing me right back to how I felt before.
Except this time, even though I can feel
the plummet of my heart,
the hollow in my stomach,
the pain in my chest, and
the weight of my body;
I still can't cry...

I'm that used to it now aren't I?
Feeling while callous
weak while hardened
hopeless while forcing myself through each day.
It's really hardest right after I wake up and before I sleep,
because those are the only times that I can't escape
the cage built by your wonderwalls...

How can you make something so obviously finite
as infinite as oblivion?
How many times do I have to remind myself of what I deserve
until I finally convince myself that I deserve better? And
How many times can I remind myself of what I deserve
before the repetition turns it into nothing?

The above is a spoken word piece that I wrote on the spot. My muse: the flood of emotions that is experienced before and after one sleeps while brokenhearted. For a piece that I wrote all at once, I really don't think it's THAT bad n_n Though I'll probably come back to refine it later on.

You've got me feeling,
Empty,
Like you took the very stones you used,
to push my heart down to my stomach
and turned them into a tidal wave,
crashing against my very core and
crippling what little foundation I have left of support.

You've got me feeling,
Angry,
Like a raging flame burning up what's left of myself
while you stand there at a distance
using me to cook up some short-lived leisure.
Angry,
at myself for falling for the same guy
YOU are the same guy;
just like the rest of them.
Promising only with empty words
and changing
only through neglecting
or pretending that you're really caring

You've got me feeling
Disappointed,
let down by the dissolving hope that you'd be the one
to show me what it's like to live a happy fantasy
to show me what it's like to love without fear
To show me that
you really were Different.

You've got me feeling...
Yes
Though I do feel for you
and feel because of you,
I don't feel as though you deserve to be called the cause of my heartache,
the catalyst of my catharsis,
a title not yours to take
As earthquake go to affect those in the sky, you're nothing but an aftershock
So though I see how you effect me, I know this fight, won't bring me down from my height.

These things that I'm feeling,
I know that they're fleeting,
fleeing faster than you can try
to take my flight away.





What happens when you're finally in a new relationship yet, warning signs from the old start creeping back? Should I immediately brace for the worst; or should I simply remind myself that he's a different guy and that there's really no fear. And with the latter, how long would I have to go on until I cross the line between appropriate amounts of benefit of the doubt mentality to desperate attempts of self-persuasion that everything is alright?
These are the questions that I've been asking myself lately. I guess the timing of it all just makes the fear and the paranoia. around now marks the first month of seeing my first official boyfriend since Kevin and the first guy that I've let myself fall for since Zack. As the trend has been that within one month is when I find out something which completely destroys the happy illusion that my relationships were and where heartache tends to begin for a good amount of time. With that in mind, I do feel as though there is some validity as to why I'm feeling so shaky and weary. I'm beginning to fear letting myself fall any more for this guy, fear letting my feelings grow, and fear of watching the person that I've begun trying for once again simply lose interest. Fear from realizing that once again that, while I was once again finally able to bring myself to being ready to be in something serious, that the person who I fell for only seemingly fell for me; and that it was all just for the chase; that I'm not worth more than a chase.
Even though it was comforting to read those nuggets-of-wisdom again, it seems as though one thing is still missing, and that's how to prevent myself from falling from my high point. And most importantly, how to make it so that me having to fall and have my heart broken isn't the eventuality.
Why does it suddenly feel as if he's got me and how he's not interested anymore? I suddenly find him saying things that he might not mean anymore, and I can't tell if it's just the paranoia mixed with the timing, or if my gut feeling is right.

I already know what I'm gonna do, and that's of course to talk to him about it, but for some reason, I can already see everything going wrong. Let's just hope that my foresight is just being obstructed by a paranoia...

It's been a while since I've posted here hasn't it. I don't know, I guess I've fallen out of the habit of using this as a medium for organizing the, often, incoherent and disheveling processes and products of my introspection. However, what I will do now with this post and perhaps the rest of my time on blogger is create a testament for myself to remind myself of the fact that no matter how low I may reach, I'll always find a way to bounce back; I shouldn't feel ashamed or frustrated at the fact that sometimes I may need help from someone close to me; but also not to be afraid to rely on myself when I know that I need to relearn how to be independent.

Perhaps the first step to accomplish is to first remind myself where this is coming from. If You/me managed to forget, this is YOU talking. The you who raised himself from a point of low self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It's been three months since your "first love, first kiss, and first time" broke up, one month after he gave you your final reason to let go, and one day since you stumbled upon the fact that he had deleted himself from your life and of the boy that he decided to settle with.

Now that context was given, it would be appropriate for me to list the lessons of my experiences and simply let my thoughts ramble on from there. I remember how I would refer to this guy as "my replacement". After seeing him, and though I'm sure he's a nice guy, it's pretty obvious that Zack was right when he said that "he couldn't find anyone better than you so he settled". Thus my first nugget-of-wisdom-to-myself, (or what will now be called Nugget-to-myself): "If you've done you absolute best and in the end, he didn't appreciate it, then you have no regrets in the end, because he's never going to be able to replace the person that you were to him, no matter how much he tries." From this experience, I can rise above it because I have nothing to feel any regret for. Everyone could see just how much I was willing to give myself and sacrifice for this boy, so if he didn't know how to reciprocate and appreciate it, then it's his loss.

Thus we're led to my second nugget-to-myself; simply: "follow the doctrine that you operate under, that as long as you can look into the mirror and see yourself with the same level of self-respect, you're good". Nothing feels better than being able to be confident in myself and being able to have that sort of respect for myself. And to add onto that nugget, "Never let go of your sense of pride and self confidence for someone who doesn't deserve it, but don't be afraid of letting go of some for you'll never be able to see whether or not said person deserves it unless you see the results of such humblings." Take this experience for example, me letting go of self-respect in order to compromise with him turned into compromising my self-respect and sense of self-worth to adjust to his needs. Once bringing down your sense of pride to compromise for the sake of your relationship becomes compromising your sense self-worth for the sake of your relationship, then it's not your problem, the that your partner simply doesn't know how to appreciate and respect you.

My third nugget (rather newly discovered compared to the rest of those which were rediscovered) was a lesson directly formed from this experience with our relationship and its aftermath, I've come to the realization that there comes a time where I have to stop taking into account the actions of other and try to see more of an effort to change rather an effort to retain. (I'm still learning more about this one, so my wording will be better in the future) What had happened was, I saw that you did try to talk to me, but even though you asked me to chill those 2 times (only two compared to the amount of effort I put in to try during the summer) you never once managed to simply say to me, "hey, I want to talk about us." or asked me a simple "what happened?". Had you done that, we wouldn't be where we are now. He knew that his problem was the fact that he was bad at communicating, but there comes a time when I have to stop instigating, and if he was never able to grow up and simply try to talk things out rather than pretend that things never changed, then obviously any more effort on my part would be a waste of time. I was almost going to message him to ask what happened between us, but upon realizing that the reason why I though he deserved it was due to the fact that I "understood" how much of a big deal it was for him to message someone else first, I was able to realize that he never changed in the end. He was still the same selfish child. But from this lesson, I know that I've changed, because I was able to see my own flaw in how I would also attribute some sort of importance to someone else's actions and that attribution would always be on their part rather than mine. It's important to take into consideration other people's perspectives and see things through their eyes, but when it's obvious that I've already surpassed their definition of difficulty, for example the simple act of humbling one's self in order to message someone else, then that's when I can say "to hell with considering their perspective."

My fourth nugget is more of a simpler one: "Just to remember that you a resilient and strong person. No matter how long you fall, through time and effort, you'll surely be able to rediscover and reinvent yourself." Directly related to that would be "Don't be afraid of change" because only after I was willing to make necessary changes, hard as they may have been, was I able to rediscover, reinvent, and recreate my own self and my own happiness. (Directly relating to creating your own happiness) As the teaching of Anicca, "Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that, and all will be well." -And as perpetuated through the succinct words of Heraclitus: "There is no constant, but change"- Accepting change, will become self-acceptance, which will inevitably lead to universal acceptance.

Remember, me, change is good, because the more things change, the more they stay the same (Alphonse Karr), as in familiarity will always find you, during significant changes. It's how the universal equilibrium works.

Mood: Philosophical.



The basic issue here is the fighting to keep alive friendships that seem to be reaching a point of expiration and the fact that in the end, I'm always the one left trying and open to the idea of working things out while the other party spends most of their time making excuses rather than putting in the same amount of effort. To be honest, I see what's going on, I'm just pretending like everything is alright because if I don't, then I'll feel just as responsible for letting the relationships that I've built with these people crumble.

At the same time, even though I know that I'm putting more into these friendships than the other parties, I still can't complain because at the end of the day, it's me who's making the decision - even though I'm not the type of person who knows how to not try for these kinds of things. I guess due to the fact that I prioritize and value loyalty more than anything; which is why I'm still willing to stay loyal and true to those who don't reciprocate.

For someone like me who's always done everything I could for my friends, it's hard to try to not care and truly leave a friendship behind.



This is a redone version of what I did two years ago. It’s amazing to see how I’ve changed. 
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF: