I hate that I've fallen so hard for you that something as minor as a kiss on the cheek could cause so much  internal turmoil for me. I hate that I spend my days thinking about us and thinking about how much I want to talk to you and how much I want to be with you and yet at the same time, knowing that you're not even showing me that you want to be in a relationship with me. I hate how you're really just all talk and no action and I hate that I don't have the guts to tell you this in person. Or rather I probably do, but at the same time, I hate that I wished that you'd get it without always needing me to tell you after I've dwelled on and been hurt by you. I hate that I spend my time waiting for you to come online, for you to message me first, and then for me to become tongue-tied and not be able to tell you all the things that I want to tell you without feeling as if I'm bombarding you with my thoughts to the point where you obviously can't respond to. I hate that I can't help but feel like you don't care about our relationship and I can I not feel that way since you've done nothing to show me how much I supposedly mean to you. I hate how you have this type of effect on me where I can't go a day without thinking of you and of what happened and I hate the fact that I don't even know if I'm well enough to think without second guessing myself. I wish I could just tell you how much I want to be with you and I would if I knew that you honestly did feel the same way.

It's too bad that all I get from you is the feeling that none of this even bothers you and that you could probably go through the whole day without thinking about us or about me while I'm here ranting out my incoherent thoughts while feeling completely pathetic about myself and how desperate I must seem at this point. If you really care about me, then show me that you do, don't just tell me. That's all I'm really asking  for at this point; just to know that you only want to be with me and that you truly are serious about us.

Don't give me that bullshit.  You were not tricked into doing anything. This was all your own doing -your own choice- so stop playing victim. You knew that it was wrong of you and you still went along with it so don't come crying to me when you feel like you were hurt by it. Because remember, I was the victim in this situation. NOT you. 


WIll elaborate when the time comes. >:|

Kay so, while cleaning out my e-mail, I discover that UofT sent me a resident confimation e-mail that no one decided to tell me about and that the deadline of it was fucking MARCH -__- What the fuck?!?!? I didn't even see it until today >.<

Mood: Frustrated.

PS: Must make a lot of phone calls on monday -__-

Lovely how even before I update everyone on what's been happening, I'm already going off on a rant. But I guess that the sole reason as to why I have this blog in the first place isn't to update everyone on how I'm doing, but to talk to myself so that I may be able to self-analyze and hone my intrapersonal abilities. (By the way, according to the English that blogger uses, "intrapersonal" is not a word o.O)


I guess the whole thing started from something small; a thought really. Just a sudden realization that something that I had feared and expected is most likely coming true. Upon realizing this, I guess I felt really hurt. I mean over the past month, so much has happened and I guess I let myself let you in a bit too close. I said that I'd put up a barrier and I tried, but when you see someone everyday and when they put in the same amount of effort as I did, then I guess it's hard to just constantly remind myself that what happened the month before won't happen again.


It sucks to be honest because before I knew it, I had let myself catch feelings for someone that I shouldn't have caught feelings for and perhaps even given this person [you] something that I really shouldn't have given you. But I trusted you again and I guess that's where my downfall was. I was over trusting and I let myself forget about questioning whether or not you might just up and ditch me out of the blue. Which is weird since everything seemed fine even 2 hours before everything started. And by everything, I do mean that party. I kept asking if you were mad at me because I guess that I could see why you would be, but seriously, you barely even spent a second with me without going off and clinging onto someone else so what was I supposed to do right?


And the worst part is the fact that I had told you so much that now that I really think about things, I really shouldn't have told you. A lot of the things that I had told you, but I guess in the end, I couldn't help but just really miss how things were between us.


How do I feel about all of this? I can't help but feel played and messed around with, not to mention used. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions yet as things are still quite early, but just the timing of everything makes it seem as though I was nothing but an naive boy waiting to be used.


I'm still not completely sure about whether or not I'm willing to accept the fact that I have caught feelings for you, especially since you were my best friend and all. The worst part has to be the fact that we said to each other that we did in fact become more than best friends and that we did in fact "kind of want to start dating". Right now, I really can't say that I know that you were true about saying that, but I can' guarantee you one hundred percent that I meant it. Not to mention that I was actually totally ready with 1) telling you that I don't just kinda want to start dating, but that I do like you and 2) the fact that I was willing to let go of my anger to try to make us work. But then it hit me that I'm still so insecure about everything. I mean even what I said when we were drunk at the party. I knew exactly what I said and why I said it and on some level, I honestly think that you don't like me the way I'd want you to; and I guess it's because of that reason that I'm scared to start anything. But the fact that my mouse jumps to the skype tab when you message me isn't completely meaningless. The fact that I started looking forwards to coming home and just skyping with you to the point where I actually sort of waiting for you to come online, isn't meaningless. The fact that I already feel better just from talking to you right now, isn't meaningless.


But that's the thing. Sometimes, I'd feel as if we were inseparable and that we really do sort-of-just-might-really-like-each-other, while other times, I'd feel like I do right now, where you're distant and just another friend that's getting ready to ditch me; and That's the ONE thing that I just can't handle when it comes to you. I guess I'm getting clingy and I should really stop, but I can't help but work my ass of just to suppress how I feel. But can't you blame me considering the fact that everyday was another conversation that always had some sort of cute remark like "hey cutie." or "I love you". I really did mean those when I said it, but I guess with you, I just let myself believe in a sort of valid authenticity behind it. And suddenly we go from that you to being dry with me just makes things worse. But at the end of the day, I guess that I'll just have to do what I do best, take the high road and confess to you. Hoping that you'd tell me that you like me too while preparing for some sort of replay of what happened with him (see June 2010) followed by a punch in the gut sort of feeling known as a mixture of rejection, stupidity, and embarrassment.