Sunday, September 25, 2011 @ 8:21 PM
Epiphany
Like I've posted on Tumblr, I guess I've found my resolve. I like him, probably a lot more than I want you guys to think. But in the end, it isn't worth it; its not worth me losing my self-worth and self-respect.
I'm back to these words again: "I want them to be happy". The amount of times I say these words...kinda sucks. But then again, I guess I've just gotten so used to saying them that its no big deal anymore. And also, I shouldn't have to choose between being able to look in the mirror with the same confidence and respect and being with some guy. You can call me self-righteous, but if you truly know how far I've come from back then and how much I've done in order to become the person that I am today, then you'd understand why my morals are so important to me.
I guess what really bothered me is that this whole incident kinda brought back a lot of old memories and old pains and just forced them all into my face once again. But it looks like now isn't the time for all of that to force its way out :P I'm just hoping that I don't regret not letting it all out >.<
At this point I guess its safe to say that I'm back. Thanks to this weekend, I was able to grow a little more as well as realize how to continue my story. n_n This really was quite the eventful weekend :P
Saturday, September 24, 2011 @ 11:02 PM
Hehe, guess its my time of the year again...
Cz's right in that first semester is always when I seem to find myself stuck in drama. This year's drama: love life. TO fill you all in, yesterday was the day that I formally met this one guy that I've been kinda attracted to for a while. TBH, it was mostly physical, but after yesterday, there's a bit more. I guess first of all, I need to actually admit that I like him. And there's **speak of the devil**, my problem >.< I just feel really stupid, stupid because I let this guy get to me to the point where I feel overwhelmed. I feel vulnerable and weak; to the point where even seeing him come online was able to give me butterflies -oh how I've come to hate that phrase within the last 24 hours. And its so stupid because I'm nervous. I don't know what he wants nor do I know what the other guy wants. Yes, he was with a friend yesterday who likes him too. Everyone's telling me that Sean likes me ( even his friend) yet Sean isn't telling me anything except "I don't know, I just don't think that our ( him and the other guy) relationship would last. I guess ultimately I just don't know what they want from me
Next level of this predicament, the other guy wants to talk about this situation and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. One moment he's telling me how he thinks he should back off and the next he alludes to his willingness for competition. That's the next problem; I like him, but do I like him enough to put myself out as a "choice" for him? Answer: an quasi-adamant no; which makes me feel so pathetic. It always seems to me as though I'm an "option" to everyone and that I'm easy to lose. I guess this is where everything gets complicated. This whole situation kind of brings back every other situation that's hurt me since most if not all of them involve me becoming, not only a choice, but the second and unchosen choice. It bunches up all the times I've felt unnecessary and worthless and then shove it all right back at me.
From a quick glance, he has nothing to do with this; but at the same time he does, because it was he who managed to trigger the rush of emotions that I'm going through right now. What hurts the most is how trashy I feel for even thinking about actually pursuing him even if I'm a choice. I'll admit it, I like him a lot. But I still can't determine if its enough for me to put myself up like that.
Another thing that really pisses me off about this situation is how helpless I feel in the sense where I'm clueless. Its been a year since I've liked seriously had feelings for someone and as a result, I'm completely unprepared at the moment. I have no idea how to go about this situation and I just feel like everywhere I turn to, no one can help. Once again, I find myself here, sitting by myself, trying to figure out my own problems through introspection and retrospection...both of which aren't providing me any solace.
Mood: you tell me D:
Wednesday, September 14, 2011 @ 10:23 PM
NEW SCHOOL YEAR!!!
Gosh I've been really late with my posts haven't I :P
Well there really isnt' much to update to be honest. My schedule for this semester is
PATH - Geo with lund
Gender studies - Soares ( she's really not bad at all)
English - Kajda
Writer's craft - Kerr.
All these lovely English courses make my smile :DD Finally I'm free from maths and sciences :DD
Umm oh yea, I have a 2 day week this week: monday and tuesday are normal, and then today I had to organize spirit day for the grade nines, tomorrow is the PATH retreat to silvercreek, and Friday be a PA day!! WOOT!!!
And yea...really don't know what else to say >.< But perhaps its a good thing; it just means taht everything is nice and calm in my life atm :D
