It's been a while since I've posted here hasn't it. I don't know, I guess I've fallen out of the habit of using this as a medium for organizing the, often, incoherent and disheveling processes and products of my introspection. However, what I will do now with this post and perhaps the rest of my time on blogger is create a testament for myself to remind myself of the fact that no matter how low I may reach, I'll always find a way to bounce back; I shouldn't feel ashamed or frustrated at the fact that sometimes I may need help from someone close to me; but also not to be afraid to rely on myself when I know that I need to relearn how to be independent.

Perhaps the first step to accomplish is to first remind myself where this is coming from. If You/me managed to forget, this is YOU talking. The you who raised himself from a point of low self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It's been three months since your "first love, first kiss, and first time" broke up, one month after he gave you your final reason to let go, and one day since you stumbled upon the fact that he had deleted himself from your life and of the boy that he decided to settle with.

Now that context was given, it would be appropriate for me to list the lessons of my experiences and simply let my thoughts ramble on from there. I remember how I would refer to this guy as "my replacement". After seeing him, and though I'm sure he's a nice guy, it's pretty obvious that Zack was right when he said that "he couldn't find anyone better than you so he settled". Thus my first nugget-of-wisdom-to-myself, (or what will now be called Nugget-to-myself): "If you've done you absolute best and in the end, he didn't appreciate it, then you have no regrets in the end, because he's never going to be able to replace the person that you were to him, no matter how much he tries." From this experience, I can rise above it because I have nothing to feel any regret for. Everyone could see just how much I was willing to give myself and sacrifice for this boy, so if he didn't know how to reciprocate and appreciate it, then it's his loss.

Thus we're led to my second nugget-to-myself; simply: "follow the doctrine that you operate under, that as long as you can look into the mirror and see yourself with the same level of self-respect, you're good". Nothing feels better than being able to be confident in myself and being able to have that sort of respect for myself. And to add onto that nugget, "Never let go of your sense of pride and self confidence for someone who doesn't deserve it, but don't be afraid of letting go of some for you'll never be able to see whether or not said person deserves it unless you see the results of such humblings." Take this experience for example, me letting go of self-respect in order to compromise with him turned into compromising my self-respect and sense of self-worth to adjust to his needs. Once bringing down your sense of pride to compromise for the sake of your relationship becomes compromising your sense self-worth for the sake of your relationship, then it's not your problem, the that your partner simply doesn't know how to appreciate and respect you.

My third nugget (rather newly discovered compared to the rest of those which were rediscovered) was a lesson directly formed from this experience with our relationship and its aftermath, I've come to the realization that there comes a time where I have to stop taking into account the actions of other and try to see more of an effort to change rather an effort to retain. (I'm still learning more about this one, so my wording will be better in the future) What had happened was, I saw that you did try to talk to me, but even though you asked me to chill those 2 times (only two compared to the amount of effort I put in to try during the summer) you never once managed to simply say to me, "hey, I want to talk about us." or asked me a simple "what happened?". Had you done that, we wouldn't be where we are now. He knew that his problem was the fact that he was bad at communicating, but there comes a time when I have to stop instigating, and if he was never able to grow up and simply try to talk things out rather than pretend that things never changed, then obviously any more effort on my part would be a waste of time. I was almost going to message him to ask what happened between us, but upon realizing that the reason why I though he deserved it was due to the fact that I "understood" how much of a big deal it was for him to message someone else first, I was able to realize that he never changed in the end. He was still the same selfish child. But from this lesson, I know that I've changed, because I was able to see my own flaw in how I would also attribute some sort of importance to someone else's actions and that attribution would always be on their part rather than mine. It's important to take into consideration other people's perspectives and see things through their eyes, but when it's obvious that I've already surpassed their definition of difficulty, for example the simple act of humbling one's self in order to message someone else, then that's when I can say "to hell with considering their perspective."

My fourth nugget is more of a simpler one: "Just to remember that you a resilient and strong person. No matter how long you fall, through time and effort, you'll surely be able to rediscover and reinvent yourself." Directly related to that would be "Don't be afraid of change" because only after I was willing to make necessary changes, hard as they may have been, was I able to rediscover, reinvent, and recreate my own self and my own happiness. (Directly relating to creating your own happiness) As the teaching of Anicca, "Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that, and all will be well." -And as perpetuated through the succinct words of Heraclitus: "There is no constant, but change"- Accepting change, will become self-acceptance, which will inevitably lead to universal acceptance.

Remember, me, change is good, because the more things change, the more they stay the same (Alphonse Karr), as in familiarity will always find you, during significant changes. It's how the universal equilibrium works.

Mood: Philosophical.